Back to Trying!

It's been one month since the vaccine-two months of not trying, and it's officially over :) We won't actually be trying until March because of where I am in my cycle, but it feels good to have that bump in the road past us. Hopefully nothing else comes in the way of us trying to getting pregnant. We've got one cycle to have a 2011 baby! I'm trying not to put too much pressure on ourselves, but we want this soooo badly.

I am an emotional mess :(

Yesterday I received a bill from the lab for the x-ray I had done. $795. Plus I will be receiving one from the doctor for $250. $1,045 for an x-ray I was quoted would be $500. I was livid. I was crying so hard over it last night. I just wish this wasn't so hard and stressful. I called the lab and they did offer me a little bit of a discount since I paid in full. So the xray will cost me $806 :( I am so mad at that doctor for quoting me the wrong price, but it's over and we will not be returning to him so whatever! Of course, my postive husband just says "honey, it's only money". Yes, but it's a lot and it's not like we're loaded! I appreciate that he tries not to let me get so upset about the little things. It just worries me because it's just the beginning. We are going to have to shell out a lot more to get our baby. Sometimes I wonder if we will end up just having one. One would be enough, but I've always wanted two. I guess I shouldn't get ahead of myself.
On a brighter note, tomorrow marks a month since the vaccine so we will be trying again! The Mr. is out of town until Sunday and I'm at the end of my cycle anyways, but it'll feel good just to know that we are back to trying.

One month til we meet our new RE

Yes, that's right, one month. I moved up the appointment. I don't want to wait til April. I am too impatient. Plus, assuming they want to do testing, that may put everything in May when we are gone so I would just rather start earlier and get this show on the road. I'm trying to regain my optimism that this will be our year and we will get knocked up soon. I just hope this doctor is the one. I want to walk out of the office feeling confident and comfortable. I didn't feel that way with the last guy, as much as I pretended I did.
Poor Mr. Deutschefairy. He finally stepped it up and tried to be romantic. It didn't turn out so well. Not only did he make dinner reservations on Saturday night that had to be cancelled because I was out of town (he knew this days before lol) but yesterday he ordered a flower bouquet to be delivered to my work. It didn't show up. He had to run over to the florist to pick them up and walked in with them at 6:30. He tried and I love him for it. I could kick his butt for paying a ridiculous amount for flowers from a florist on Valentine's Day though! Gotta love the guy :)

We have a new plan.

Well after 3 unreturned letters/messages from my RE, I've decided to get a second opinion. I really never got a first opinion so really we're just starting over. We have an appointment with someone here in town for 4/12. It seems far, but we can't try this cycle and that will give us one cycle to try on our own after the HSG I had done. You never know right? Hopefully I'll get to cancel.
We have to pay everything out of pocket with this office, starting with the $260 consultation. I guess we were hesitant to admit that we would need to fork out some cash to get pregnant. In reality, it may not cost us that much more here considering he's in town. We shall see. I really hope I finally meet a doctor where I go "yes, this is the person I trust." I've only done that once, and they opened my chest up last year! The woman I spoke to was extremely nice, she had my sisters name. Then they had me e-mail my insurance info over, just in case, to a D. C****. Same first initial and last name as my father-in-law. I feel like it's a sign. I hope it's a sign. So that is the new plan. I feel like all I do is get rid of doctors, but my health needs to come first and I need to be the advocate for that. We  don't have forever, especially if we want that football team!
Off to go shopping with the girls. I'm trying not to buy anything. Maybe just a bikini for Maui ;)

One year ago today...

I found out I had to have my surgery. I feel like that date will stick in my brain forever. It's kind of bittersweet. I think wow, I've come a long way, but then I also remember how I sat there crying about how we would have to wait to have a baby. I remember telling myself that a year from then, I would be pregnant and none of it would matter. Here we are a year later, not pregnant, and not even able to try. I also think about all the friendships I lost. Well not really lost, I suppose they were never true friendships to begin with. It is just crazy how much a year can change your life. It's crazy how a year can bring no change at all.
It's now two weeks into my four week wait from the vaccine. I have not called my RE again. I am chicken and I also don't care. I think I may need a second opinion. He obviously doesn't care enough to even address my concerns with the whole waiting issue and hasn't given me any answers as to my body and irregular periods. My gut says go somewhere else. There's a place here in town that charges $250 for the consultation. Every single procedure will be out of pocket. But will it be worth it if they listen to me? If they figure out my problem? If they get me pregnant? YES! I just need to get over the thought of starting all over. And I need to convince my husband. I know he'll go along with anything I say (gotta love him), but he's hesitant to spend the money. I think he trusts anything a doctor will tell him and is on board with the RE we have now. But it's not his body. It's not his eggs dying off every month. We cannot wait forever. Especially if we still want 2 or 3 children.
On a fantastic note, we booked our trip to Maui. Maybe we shouldn't be spending the money on this, maybe we should be spending it on a new doctor and infertility treatments. Maybe, but after the year and a half we've had, we not only deserve this, but we need it. I got an amazing deal so our tax return will pay for the flight and room. It's something we have to do. Also, I need something concrete to look forward to.

Who am I?

Now that we're back to not trying, I feel like part of my identity is gone. Man, I was so obsessed with trying to get pregnant, well maybe still am. I feel like that was all I thought about. In this time off, I need to get back to the old me. The person who enjoyed life and was happy. I need to remember that I still have a great life, with a great husband and family. We're trying to plan a trip to Hawaii for the end of May and of course my first thought was "oh that might interfere with our IUI date". I need to let go of that! So hopefully (it depends a lot on our tax return) we will be going to Hawaii at the end of May!! I am excited to be able to look forward to something. We also have our 2 year anniversary coming up which we will spend at the place we got married! And my birthday! I have quite a bit to look forward to so I'm hoping I can just enjoy those moments. I know that getting pregnant will always be at the back of my mind, but as long as it doesn't overshadow everything else, I will be okay. This will all happen when it's meant to happen, in the meantime I need to have fun and enjoy those pre-baby moments that we will never get back!