Heart Update!

I met with my cardiologist yesterday for my one year check up. Everything looked great, my echo was almost identical to last time. I am having some skipping in my heartbeats so they want to have me use a heart monitor for 24 hours to make sure it's nothing. It's probably related to stress (go figure!). Worst case scenario, I'd be put on beta blockers to slow down my heart. I really hope I don't have to do that, but we will see.
I also asked him about what he thought if I were to carry twins. Just in case we do IVF I thought I'd ask. He says twins would be fine, and he doesn't see a problem with me carrying them. He said to keep it at two though. He asked I not be the next Octomom! lol  So now I go back to see him when I get pregnant or in a year. I told him that he better be seeing me sooner than a year!
Now I'm just waiting for my period to come so I can get all my tests started. My body is teasing me by not spotting, but my temperature was down today so I know it's coming. I found out the bloodwork, ultrasound, and SHG test are going to cost us about $1,000. I thought it might be more so I guess it's a relief, although still a lot. I would like my future baby to know that he/she is already quite spoiled and costing mommy and daddy a fortune :) He/she will be completely worth every penny and then some.

Back in town w/ a small update

I had a great time at my Dad's. It was way too short though. I wish we could have had one more day. As soon as we arrived there, I ran over to the medical center and had my blood drawn to check my progesterone levels. Two days later I got my results. My level was 11.6, which is good and means I ovulated. Doctors like to see above a 10. I'm glad, don't get me wrong, but I was almost hoping they'd be low so I could get some answers as to why I'm spotting. That has continued since my last post, so I am just waiting for my period to come. Then I'll schedule the CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound and the SHG. Yay. I'm obviously going to go through with everything, but I am emotionally worn out. I want to give up. I am just tired of the emotional roller coaster. Hopefully when my period shows up and we have appointments scheduled, I'll feel more gung-ho about it. I hate knowing that this cycle is over, being reminded every single time I go to the bathroom, and still having a few more days until my period gets here. It's really getting old!

The spotting has returned :(

I am lightly spotting today. At 6DPO :( My body was beginning to look very normal when we couldn't try. Now it's back to the same crap. I feel really sad, mad, defeated. I feel like I did everything I could. Drank pomegranate juice every.single.day. Took my prenatals and fish oil, ate walnuts, ate pineapple core. Even Mr. DF took his vitamins! Plus we had great timing. I know it's early and there is still hope, but I've played this game 15 times and have always come out the loser.
I'm leaving for my dads tonight. Thank God. I need a break from this town and hopefully it will take my mind off all this.

Surgery was one year ago today!

I can't believe it has been one year. Unreal how fast time flies. I got pretty emotional as I tried to go to sleep last night. All of the sudden tears were just streaming down my face. I just remember how scared I was that night before and morning of. I know my entire family was as well. I remember looking into their eyes when we were saying our good byes and I love yous and seeing the fear that I was feeling. That maybe, I wouldn't make it. I had 100% confidence in my surgeon and his medical team, but you can't control when your time comes.
Last night I thought about my family and friends sitting in the waiting room for over four hours. That must have sucked! ;) The feeling I had when I woke up was the most amazing feeling of relief, it's truly indescribable. I remember seeing all the blurry faces of my family and friends coming in to see me. My little brother started crying because all of the tubes in my mouth freaked him out.
I also remember signing the word "mom" because the hurdle was over and we could now get back to starting a family. Obviously the fact that  this hasn't happened yet makes me sad, but it is what it is.
One last thing I remember was the pain. I remember the Vicodin, Morphine, and Dilaudid that did almost nothing for me. And I remember Mr. DF complaining about how uncomfortable he was sleeping in a make-shift bed, made out of chairs. Proof that women are stronger than men!
Thanks to all who were there for me that day and who have been there for me since.

Man, 4 posts in one week?

I saw this on another blog and had to share. I love it and it's so true.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

 

"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,

but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother."

~Author Unknown

I am finally feeling happy

Man, finding this doctor has already changed my outlook. I was laughing last night like I used to. Yesterday was a really good day. I found out my TSH (thyroid) levels are in fact in the normal range. So right now the only thing I'm concerned with is the estrogen, which I keep telling myself was drawn the month after I took unnecessary estrogen supplements....also he was concerned about my early ovulation days (CD11), but today is CD14 and I think I should ovulate today. Totally normal.
I know that if we're not pregnant this cycle, I will still be bummed and probably cry, but at least we will be moving forward. I finally feel like I have a smile on my face that isn't fake :)

Appointment Update

I love our new doctor already!! We have finally found him :) Here are the highlights:

He confirmed that our old doc was a dummy; not only by disagreeing with what he thought, but also because he's familiar with him. Lesson learned: Trust your intuition!
He's concerened about my thyroid and estrogen levels. If they are right it could mean diminshed ovarian reserve (basically poor egg quality and quantity). This scares me. We don't have $15,000 for IVF :( He is retesting all my blood work on cycle day 3 of next month. Lets hope I magically get knocked up this month huh? I'm trying not to stress until I get the results, but who are we kidding?
My spotting also concerned him a little. Finally someone who's addressing my biggest concern! We will test progesterone to confirm that I am ovulating a week after I ovulate; which should be tomorrow. That puts me in Oregon for the draw. Ugh something to stress over. Haha Next cycle we will also do an HSS test. It's basically where they put water into my uterus and take 2D and 3D pictures. It's much more clear and hopefully will show anything that may cause spotting. Please no cysts!
After all that we will come up with a plan. Dr. G told me that he will get us pregnant. He has never not gotten someone my age pregnant.
I was up all night thinking about what ifs....I'm nervous, but I feel like we are finally getting somewhere.

Happy Anniversary to us!

Two years!!! I can't believe it. Year two has been kind of a rough one on us, so I'm hoping year 3 brings us lots of good stuff :)
Our weekend away was amazing. It went by way to fast though, I suppose vacations always do that. Our suite was awesome! I was so excited. I actually counted the windows and we had 13 windows in our suite. I felt rich, haha. We ate SO much and just relaxed. I did realize that I have a hard time relaxing. My shoulders are always so tense and I feel like I am always waiting for something bad to happen. I hate that. I need to figure out how to change that. I feel like the last year has done that too me. Somethings gotta give!
We meet with the new doctor tomorrow. I'm starting to get really nervous. I just want some good news finally. And by good news, I mean facts or a plan. I want to know what is going on with my body and what the heck we're going to do about it. I'm sick of doctors just giving me the run around and not caring about my feelings and what I'm going through. I'm nervous to find another doctor that I'm not happy with. I don't know how much more I can take when it comes to that. So think of us at 1:00 tomorrow :) We need all the positive vibes we can get!

Taking a break from reality

We are going to spend all weekend at the place where we got married. I am so ready to get out of here and try to forget about everything. This has been a hard week. One of the few friends who know about our infertility issues announced their pregnancy this week.....on Facebook. It really was a punch in the stomach to find that out online instead of from her. I'm still mad about it to be thruthful. I'm also jealous. I want to make an announcement. Next week will mark the 2 year anniversary of when we threw the birth control out the window. ::sigh::

Gotta love the promptness

My old RE called me back yesterday....only 5 weeks after I left the last message! Can you freakin believe it? Unbelievable. I was in complete shock. I didn't even tell him I wouldn't returning. Maybe I'll let him know in 5 weeks....or NEVER! He'll probably get the point if my new RE requests records. :)
So on top of that here are some more reasons I am glad we are moving on: I had asked about the 7DPO (days past ovulation) test to check my progesterone levels; so we could see if I was actually ovulating strong eggs. He tells me we can go ahead and test that now. My reply "I'm 13DPO, spotting, and my period will be here any second". That's ok we can still do it. Ummm no! I will not He told me that my spotting was most likely endometriosis. I then told him how much better it had been the last 2 cycles (1st one didn't start til 10DPO and this one 13DPO). He totally ignored that I said it and told me to schedule the postcoital test when I get my period. It's to be done at CD (cycle day)13....This test tests my cervical mucus to make sure it's not hostile to my husband's sperm. Here's the thing, it needs to be done before I ovulate to ensure I have fertile mucus. I have been ovulating around CD11 the last several cycles....CD13 would be too late!!! He is just not the right doctor for me. It is obvious my body is not the textbook body so he needs to stop treating me like it!!! Good bye and good riddance!!!

Hello March!

I am so excited that March is here. Today marks the beginning of my favorite two months! I have so much to look forward to this month and next....and May actually!

Plans for March:
Celebrate our wedding anniversary (3/14). We will be going to the Mission Inn where we got married. We also spent our last anniversary there and plan to spend every anniversary there (as possible). We've already reserved the room, but now they released some package deals so we're deciding which option would be the best :) I just made the reservations for Sunday Champagne Brunch there too. One of the best brunches I have ever been too.
Then we meet with the new RE a day after our anniversary. I'm hoping the Ides of March bring us some luck with this guy.
I also celebrate the one year anniversary of my heart surgery on 3/22!! I will have my check up this month too (3/30). I can't believe it's been a year!
On the 23rd, we will be driving up to my dad's for 4ish days! We'll be driving during the night so we don't waste a day. The Mr. is thrilled about that, but I've already offered to drive while he sleep so there! I can't wait to see them. We haven't seen them since August since they couldn't come down for Christmas this year. I think that's the longest we've ever gone so I am anxious to see them.
I also have a dentist appointment this month. I guess it can't all be fun and games, huh??
Then in April it's my birthday and May brings Maui! This is the beginning of positive things!!