I'm a horrible blogger. Fetal Echo follow up

We had our fetal echo follow up today (Jackson wouldn't cooperate last time).

Our son has a mild heart defect :*(  Bicuspid aortic valve. It's not nearly anything like what I have and if it requires surgery it will be an outpatient catheter type, and hopefully not until he's older. I know he will be fine, but earlier today was rough. Knowing it's due to my genes just makes me feel like crap. Having been through what I have with my heart, the thought of him going through anything similar scares the crap out of me. We'll be monitoring it monthly before I give birth to see where it is and then we'll go from there. My 10 year old brother actually has the same defect, which I totally spaced at the appt. He's doing great and was told surgery may be an option at the age of 50. Hopefully our son gets the same prognosis. Good news is, our baby girl's heart is perfect.

Other updates that have happened since last post:

-Baby Girl's cysts have completely resolved. Yay.

-Everything still looks good with his umbilical cord and he's growing like he should. At the last u/s 2 weeks ago, they were both around a pound :)

-My cervix started to shorten a bit so I'm resting more. 

-We went on vacation, which was exhausting and probably the cause of the shortening. LOL We did A LOT of walking in New Orleans.

-We had our first baby shower with family and friends in Memphis and it was amazing. Our babies (and us) are very spoiled. 

I think that's it. 

Blood Results

I realized I never did an update. Here is what we found out last week.

Just got back from an awesome appointment!! We met with the genetic counselor, who told me that my b/w was the best it could possibly be!! Risk for Downs is 1:9,000 and risk for Trisomy 18 is 1:100,000! Spina bifida was also negative. So our girl's chances of having a defect are pretty slim. No amnio for me, which the counselor totally agreed with. She said it looks like the CPC is just an isolated marker and nothing we should be concerned with. She also told me the risk of my heart defect being carried on is 2.5%, but the echos have been normal so far; I'm not worried. 

We went in to check my cervix and we got a surprise detailed u/s too! So awesome. Babies were so active! Her cyst was still there (obv), but should clear up by 29 weeks. Everything else was totally normal. Our boy weighs 7 oz and our girl 8 oz. Cord is still in the membrane (which won't change), but looks fine. 

This weekend, we finally got the nursery room all cleaned out. We set up our two cribs and the furniture too to get an idea of the space. We'll have to move it all when we paint, but oh well. It's going to be a little snug once we get a glider in there, but it'll work. It was really fun to hang their clothes in the closet too. 

So I go back on 11/8 to see both my MFM and OB. I'm hoping everything looks great. We have a vacation to Memphis planned for Thanksgiving week and I would hate to need to stay home. 

We're having....

A boy and a girl!!! So so excited. Obviously we would have been happy no matter what, but we can't pretend we weren't secretly hoping for one of each. Our OB told us yesterday and said all my first trimester screening came back normal. Yay. Then we went in to see our MFM. He confirmed the news, but gave us some not so fantastic news too.

First the great.

-Definitely a girl and a boy :)

-Cervix is nice and closed

-Babies weigh approx. 5 oz. each

-Baby A's heart issue seems to have resolved and looks normal.

-Risk for Downs 1:23,000, risk for Trisomy 18 1:100,000-This was from the b/w...I looked on the computer screen, they didn't actually tell me!

The not so great:

-Baby A has a Choroid Plexus Cyst in her brain, which can be associated with Trisomy 18. BUT she has not other characteristics so far, heart looks great, her hands were nice and open, not clenched. We did the 2nd Tri b/w screening today and go back on the 25th to go over the results and meet with a genetic counselor. Depending on that we would decide on whether or not to do an amnio.

-Baby B has a Velamentous insertion of the umbilical cord. Umm what? Basically the cord goes into the membrane that is separating the two babies and then into the placenta, instead of going straight into the placenta. We'll have to monitor his growth rate and watch it closely. It also means I will have a c-section no matter what (guess no more back and forth on what I wanted). We may have to deliver early if it becomes to dangerous for them in there. I also may be on bed rest sooner than anticipated, but right now I don't have to change a thing. 

Other than that everything looks good. He told me not to worry/stress about anything right now and that he'd be taking care of us and watching them closely. I still cried the way home, the way to work, and at work, but I'm feeling ok about it. It's just not fun to get any less than perfect news. I feel like we already went through 2+ years of crappy news. I was hoping this pregnancy would be the end of that and all would be perfect. My husband still thinks everything is and will be. I do too, but I worry more. I can't help it. It's in my nature, plus I'm a mom! Aren't we supposed to worry?!

Hopefully the next 12 days fly by!

Haven't updated in forever!

I'm 14 weeks, 4 days today :) And I haven't updated my blog in forever.

So they day after we met the OB, we went and saw our MFM (high-risk OB). I really liked him and we got to see the babies for over 30 minutes. We went ahead and did the NT scan as well. The measurements came back good, but I haven't heard on the blood work. We see him next week so I'll ask then. Hopefully no news is good news.
Baby A did have some reversed blood flow in the heart, but he told us it's way too early to let it worry us. We'll take a closer look next time. I'm really optimistic that it's nothing, but having gone through all the heart issues myself, it's one of my biggest fears for my babies. Dr. B also told me he was 85% sure Baby A is a girl. Baby B, however, wouldn't cooperate at all. Very typical for him/her. Hopefully we'll find out for sure next week.
The week after that I had my appointment with my cardiologist. That went excellent as far as my heart, but it was  quite eventful. The night before I started having some red spotting, which started getting slightly heavier that morning....almost to a light period. I called my OB, who told me not to be concerned unless it got heavier. Being the nervous nelly that I am, I checked into the ER at the hospital by my cardiologist. I had almost a 5 hour wait between appointments anyways so I figured I might as well. After about 3-3 1/2 hours in the ER, tons of blood tests, a catheter for a urine sample, and lots of babies, they finally did an u/s. My babies were moving around like crazy and had strong heartbeats! Thank God!! So the doctor thinks that my blood clot finally passed, causing the bleeding. Here I am almost two weeks later and I'm still spotting a tiny bit. It's so annoying, but knowing my babies are ok, makes it ok. I'm thinking it'll be over with in the next few days.
Ok I will update after our gender u/s next week! EEK!

I met our new OB today :)

I'm pretty sure this ones a keeper :) Unless my cardiologist wants me at UCLA, but we'll worry about that later. He was very nice and thorough. He's for a vag delivery if it's possible so I was happy to hear that. Not sure what I want to do yet, but I'm glad I have the option. 

Baby A was laying there like a sweet little angel, with a hb of 165. Baby B was moving around like a maniac, punching and kicking nonstop with a hb of 158. My OB said he's 80% sure what Baby A's gender is, but since Mr. DF wasn't able to come I asked him not to tell me. Hardest.thing.ever. I feel like it's gotta be a boy since he was so quick with it, but what do I know. We do see the high-risk OB tomorrow and Mr. will be there for that. Maybe we'll get lucky and find out. Hopefully we get clearer pics too.

For now, here are our little ones:

Graduation Day!

I have been a pretty lame blogger. I received a versatile blogger award and still haven't done my duties and returned the favor. I will try my hardest to do this soon!

As far as an update goes....We had our last appointment with the RE today! Our babies look great. Baby A is at 9w5d w/ a hb of 175 and Baby B is at 9w6d w/ a hb of 174. My blood clot has gotten half the size (28mm to 14mm). Woo hoo. I still have to take it easy though. I'm also stopping the progesterone now....That makes me nervous!! I'm tempted to take the last few, but Mr. DF says to listen to the doc. ;) 

My due date has been changed back to 3/29, which puts me at 9w6d. So tomorrow will be 10 weeks! 1/4 of the way there!

My RE gave me a huge hug and told me he wanted me to update him every trimester and that he'd be expecting pictures around March/April. It was sweet and I really will miss him. That office was just amazing and I wish every doctors office ran the way they do.  I won't miss the out-of-pocket bills we've been accruing though!


I got a little emotional on the way home and cried a bit. I was thinking of our journey, all the ups and downs. I thought of how Dr. G promised us when we met that he would get us pregnant. Here was are expecting two little miracles! It feels surreal at times and so amazing. I am so thankful that Dr. G was put into our path.

Here are the latest pictures:

Ultrasound 2 was yesterday!

I can't believe how much they've changed in a week! They both measured at 8 weeks yesterday so that's great! The heartbeats both looked strong. We will get to hear them next week! My blood clot hasn't changed in size at all so I am on total couch potato rest. :( My family is visiting and all went to the beach while I'm resting. A bummer, but obviously my babies come first.
Here they are:

That sac looking thing above the babies is the clot! Almost looks like triplets, huh?

Double Trouble!

We had our first ultrasound today and it was quite a surprise. We are having twins!!! As soon as I heard the technician ask my RE if this was an IVF cycle, I knew something was up! At first they couldn't decide if they saw 3 sacs or 2, but we're pretty sure it's only 2! The RE said we'll have to keep an eye on it. Ummm what?! I'm pretty confident there are only 2 though. We saw 2 clear sacs, 2 little babies, and 2 heartbeats! They didn't measure the beats per minute. My RE doesn't do that until about 9 weeks, but he said they looked really strong.
I do have a blood clot in my uterus. He wants me to be really careful with that to make sure it doesn't cause any issues. For now I'm not allowed to have sex, no exercise, no heavy lifting. Basically I go to work and come home and relax on the couch.
He also said my ovaries are about the size of grapefruits! No wonder I have cramps so often still. Those suckers are huge. Gotta love fertility drugs!
I will be going in for weekly ultrasounds for the next few weeks so we get to see our babies again on the 17th.
Here's a pic of our babies. I don't have a scanner at the moment so it's just a camera photo, but...:

One week until we see our baby!

I cannot wait. I think about it constantly. I took another pregnancy test on Sunday just to be sure. I still can't believe it sometimes. We've gotten a bunch of books to read and I read them everyday. Even Mr. DF has one that he is reading. I think he's given me some sort of advice on what I should be doing or eating every day this week. We're both just so excited.
A couple of our patients have kinda caught on, one by my boss clearly telling her! Grrr. I am trying to be optimistic and hopeful that nothing will go wrong so I'm trying not to let them knowing scare me. I really didn't want anyone other than family and close friends to know until the end of the first trimester, but it is what it is now. One of the things that infertility does is scare you from being totally sure. With all the research I've done about infertility, I've read about all the bad stuff afterwards too.
Infertility doesn't just go away when you find out your pregnant. I still think about our journey and struggles every day and I worry that all this happiness will be taken away from us.
I'm trying to just focus on the best though! It's all I can really do :)

Beta #2 is in

We just got our second levels....We wanted to see the 193 double and it came back 462!!! Our first ultrasound is scheduled for August 10th! So only 2 1/2 weeks until we see our little Deutschebaby!! I cannot wait!

And the results are in!

The third time's a charm!! We are having a baby. I can't believe it, this really feels real and unreal at the same time. We took two cheapie tests and a digital. All pregnant! Mr. DF asked that I wake him before so we could see the result together. When I walked into the bathroom, I fully expected to see one line only. I saw the second line and dropped to the floor, crying. I couldn't even get out the words. I was in total disbelief. DH kept asking "what does that mean, what does that mean?" I nodded my head and he picked me up and held me and told me how much he loved me. Then I dipped the digital test and Mr. DF watched the timer (I couldn't) and all of the sudden, he yelled "woohoo!"

We spent a lot of time crying and hugging. It was so hard for me to get ready. I just couldn't even focus. I called my mother-in-law and she was crying and super excited. The my sister, who couldn't believe it. Then I went to my mom's so I could tell her in person. She was crying and just couldn't believe it. My boss, who has known every step, gave me the day off to celebrate. So we did with dinner. It was awesome.

I called my dad that evening and he was jumping up and down yelling "I'm going to be a grandpa". My 10 year old brother can't believe he's going to be a 10 year old uncle. Haha!

I also heard from both my nurse and RE, who both congratulated me. I got my blood draw done yesterday as well. First beta level was 193. I go tomorrow to make sure they're doubling. This is really happening!!!

B2B IUIs done!

We went for the second IUI this morning. Everything went well. After the wash we had 37 million sperm. Crazy how 40mil get lost in the wash! So now we wait. With today as O day, our due date would be 3/29/12. Assuming I still have to be induced 2 weeks early due to my heart condition, we would be having our little one right around our 3rd anniversary. That would be amazing. I feel pretty calm and as good as I can about all of this. The only thing that scares me if where we go if this doesn't work. I know we will have to stop treatments for a while and that makes me sad. Hopefully we won't have to worry about it! At this point, I'm just thankful all the driving is over for at least 2 weeks. Just smooth sailing for 2 weeks....well that and the lovely progesterone suppositories...

Well, we had a crazy morning!

Drove down to see my RE this morning for a CD11 monitoring u/s. They called me into the room so fast I didn't get a chance to call Mr. in, which he was less than thrilled about. He thinks I don't pay enough attention and don't ask the right questions. Sure dude. They had a new girl in training to my u/s. Boy was that fun! She really didn't know what she was doing and was just jabbing around in there, taking forever to measure and re-measure my follicles. The regular tech finally took over when it got to be too many. I had an 18mm, 17mm, 16mm, and more smaller. I was laying there thinking "what the heck happened to the 18mm I had two days ago?" I figured I'd speak with my nurse about it.
The tech said that I had some fluid in there so they were going to test my urine to see if I was getting ready to ovulate. So after several minutes waiting for the results, my nurse came up and gave me the bombshell of news: I was ovulating right then and we'd need to do IUI now. Holy Shizz! All I thought was thank goodness I made sure Mr. DF came with me. We asked about my follie sizes and she confirmed what I had and told me the 18mm from the other day had already dropped and was headed down my tubes! I also started getting really nervous because we had had intercourse the night before, so I was worried about our sperm count numbers. She told me not to worry, timing was perfect, and everything would be ok.
So we went and ate while they were cleaning Mr.'s sample. We were a total nervous wreck, just from the shock of it all and the fear that his count wouldn't be great. We got back and our count was still 49 million post wash!!!
My RE did the IUI himself. He said everything looked great and just to be safe to come back in the morning for another IUI. Ok fine....He also told me to talk to my uterus/follicles because I have a lot going on in there and we only want one baby. Haha! I am secretly talking to two follies....I wouldn't mind twins at this point. I guess it does make me really nervous due to my heart condition, but after all we've gone through, twins would be an awesome surprise! :)
I'll keep you updated on what happens next.

CD9 Update

I'm exhausted so this is going to be quick :)
Right side: 18mm, 13mm,  two 11mm, 10mm.
Left side: four 12mm.
My RE is reducing the Gonal-F to 75iu for the next two nights and I go back Wednesday for another u/s. Hopefully I'll be looking good and ready to trigger.

CD6 update, 2 days late

I don't want to forget anything so I thought I'd pop on with my CD6 update from 2 days ago. Everything looked great and I was able to lower my Gonal-F dosage to 112.5iu for the following 3 nights. I had a 14mm, 10mm, and six under 10mm on the right and ten under 10mm on the left. Looks like I'm responding pretty well.
The shots have actually been really easy. Mr. DF had to give me the first one, but I've been doing them ever since. I go back tomorrow morning, yes on 4th of July, to see how it's going. I have much more cramping on these meds, along with headaches, nausea, and fatigue. I'll update again with my CD9 results.
On a side note....my car was starting to act funny last night. I don't think it's happy about driving almost 100 miles every three days. I'm hoping it just needs a tune-up or something since it's only 3 years old.

CD3 Update

I had my CD3 work up today, which included my injections training. No biggie. I picked up my Gonal-F perscription....A 900iu pen for $690! Plus my trigger shot for $70 so I'd have it ready. So the original plan was 75iu a day....I was thinking ok, I can handle that price. One pen may be enough. Then my nurse called with my bloodwork results. My FSH and E2 levels were elevated so they want to start me at 225iu!! I'm kinda freaking out about that. Basically 225iu will last 4 days. $690 for 4 days!?!
It is what it is and I will do what I need to, but wow. Can't I for once just catch a break and have my body play nice? This is all so frustrating.

And another BFN

I have tested the last 3 days and all negatives. Not even a glimmer of a line. POOP. I am really angry this time around. Mostly just at the why. Everything looked great this month, our timing couldn't have been better, and still  no dice. I was hoping to surprise Mr. DF on Father's Day and of course when I saw the BFN, I couldn't keep it from him. I cried for about an hour and a half. How to you pretend you didn't just see a BFN then?? He took it really hard this time. He cried, repeatedly asked me why this was happening to us, and threw things. Now that we've digested it, all we can do is move forward.
I spoke with my RE yesterday, who was totally bummed to here the news. I can tell he's really rooting for us. He wanted to try another round of Clomid, but after I spoke with him about our financial concerns and explained to him that we were emotionally ready to try the next step, he agreed to a low-dose of injectables.
Mr. DF and I talked about it last night and part of us wants to take a cycle off. Mr. told me it was in the end my decision since I do the majority of the work (lol). I slept on it and I think I want to go ahead and move forward. I don't want to wait. I think a cycle off will throw me out of the loop. I do think, however, that if this one doesn't work, I will need that break. Lets stay hopeful for now though, right?!
So I have put a call in to my nurse to hear about which meds so I can price them out and to see how exactly an inject cycle works as far as visits, etc. I just want to budget out next cycle as best as possible. The details could be the only thing that sways me into taking a break. I'll keep my everyone updated :)

Having a really bad day!

We had a little comment made to us this weekend that I can't get out of my brain. Mr. DF and a friend's dad were talking trash like guys do and our friends dad said to my husband "Your balls ain't sh!t, you can't even make any kids with them!" Long story short, I stormed out and we left. I just keep replaying it in my mind and am so hurt. I can't believe someone who is supposed to care about us would say something like that.
My boss basically told me I looked like crap today. He said I forgot to finish my hair this morning. Um no I scrunched it curly, it was meant to look like this.
Patients are bothering me with all their BS today.
The world is continuing to get pregnant without me, including girls who aren't trying.
I'm just having a poor me day. I really wish I could punch someone with no ramifications. Hopefully I can find a way to snap out of it.

Oh man! Back from Maui with my updates!

Man I haven't been on here forever!!
Maui was fantastic. Too short like every other vacation, but I was ready to see my puppies! :)
Let me tell you how my last 4 days went. My CD3 stuff all came back good so I was able to start meds in time. We came home the night of CD11 at about 11 p.m. Had to wake up at 6 the next morning to go to my monitoring u/s. Home by 9 and then I played in a 4 hour softball tournament. Everything was good to go so they triggered me that morning. I think my follies were 21, 14, and something else....sigh. I was tired! Ok so I went yesterday for IUI....Got up at 7 am, they were running way late so we didn't leave their office until about 11:30. He did an u/s after the IUI which showed that I was getting ready to O, but I wasn't quite there. Follies were at 22, 16, and 14. So they had me come back this morning for round two and did another IUI. Pretty sure I had already O'd by then, but this gives us the best chance.
These two IUIs were not as quick as the last. It took the Dr. forever to get the catheter into my uterus. I'm thinking 8 minutes of uncomfortable and awkward poking, rearranging, etc...I hope this is it. I'm tired. I'm drained. But after 20 hours of sleep in the last 4 days, of course I am. It might change once I'm rested.
So here we go again for another long 2 week wait. I feel much calmer this round, hopefully I remain that way until test day.
This whole post was probably a mess. I'm so tired, I don't even know if I'm making sense. Just wanted to update :)

A new start!

Well here we go again. Cycle day one. Our 19th cycle actually being able to try and like our 27th since starting TTC. Crappers. I am trying to be very optimistic this cycle. My body played nice last month and it now gave me AF when I needed it to. I was really stressing about it yesterday since we leave for Maui in two days. I did not want to take a cycle off now that we're finally getting somewhere.  I started late last night and I know it's still not 100% until I have my baseline u/s tomorrow and everything looks good, but I am hopeful that we are on our IUI #2 cycle. Now that I know what to expect, I am hoping I am calmer this cycle. I really thought I was last cycle, but Mr. doesn't agree. Looking back, I suppose I could have been a little calmer or relaxed, but every symptom from the meds made me think, Oh maybe this is it! Now I know not to stress on every twinge, sore boob, nauseous moment....I spoke with my nurse yesterday and she made me feel better about it all. She told me not to give up and that it will happen...Ok she just called as I was typing this! Because I was spotting pretty heavily yesterday and started flowing in the evening yesterday, they're going to consider yesterday CD1. So assuming all looks good tomorrow, I will start my Clomid again tomorrow! She's also going to call in the trigger shot so I can pick that up tomorrow since my monitoring u/s will be on a Sunday and they may want to trigger then. Yay! I hope everything tomorrow looks great so we can go on.

BFN :(

Well IUI #1 didn't work. I didn't sleep at all last night and I had two dreams about getting negative tests. When I finally had the nerve to get up and test, I still let myself believe that it might have worked. I took two different tests, different brands, and both screamed negative. Knife to the heart. I lost it in the bathroom...then came to tell Mr. DF and lost it some more.
So here goes another $1,500 or so, another round of meds, and another 2ww from hell. I don't want to necessarily do it, but I will. Let me take that back, I want to do it, I'm just not looking forward to it.  On the upside, we have Maui in 6 days and I'll be able to enjoy sushi and alcoholic tropical drinks.
Today, I am going to let myself cry. Tomorrow, I will pick myself up, dust off my ovaries, and prepare to battle cycle #19 and IUI #2.

I'm too lazy to type it all out so here is a copy and paste of my results: "Your holter monitor showed a normal heart rate and rhythm with frequent extra beats from the bottom chambers of the heart, called premature ventricular contractions, or PVCs. This is what Dr. A suspected based on your description of the palpitations when we last saw you in clinic. PVCs can occur for many reasons--stress, fatigue, illness, too much caffiene or other stimulants, etc. They can also be a reflection of a change in heart function; however, since your last echo looked good this is not likely to be the case. PVCs can be bothersome, but they are not dangerous. They can sometimes cause mild dizziness and/or shortness of breath. Some people say their chest sometimes aches after having alot of PVCs. The medications that we spoke of in clinic--beta blockers--are generally used very effectively to control these extra beats. However, at this point I would not consider it mandatory to start you on medication as long as you feel things are stable and/or improving.....try to reduce stress, watch your caffiene intake and try to get enough rest."
Not bad :) How am I supposed to reduce my stress and get more rest though?! LOL. The caffeine thing I might be able to do....Although I couldn't resist the urge for a soda tonight so maybe not. It's kind of weird because I feel less stressed now than I have in a while and I still got these results. Plus they day I wore the monitor, I had an easy day. Today, my heart was jumping around like crazy. I wonder if I would have gotten the same results...of course today was a stressful day for me, so I suppose that is the culprit and I really need to adhere to me doc's advice. ::sigh::

One week until we test!

This has been the longest week no joke. I don't know how I am going to get through another. So far everything has been fine. I feel like I do every 2ww. The Prometrium is giving me some side effects, but nothing major. I will say the evening of the IUI and the day after was pretty miserable. I had severe cramping and felt like crap. There were moments where I couldn't even move. Since then barely any cramping. I was going to test a day early, but I'm pretty sure I've decided against it. 

I also got our first bill from the RE. Holy crap! The bill was for $1690 and that isn't even covering the two monitoring u/s' and the IUI. So I'm expecting another$1300 or so. So far we have spent nearly $4000 and we're not even pregnant. I don't know how we can keep doing it over and over. Right now I'm just hoping we won't have to worry about it. And as much as this will all be worth it and money is just money, it also doesn't grow on trees. We will run out. 

Just keeping our fingers crossed for now!

IUI is behind us!

We did our IUI this morning. I think it went really well and I am feeling positive.  We had 60 million sperm post wash, 80% motility, and morphology of 3. She said it was excellent. 

It was different than I expected. Just so relaxed. The nurse did our IUI, not a RE, which whatever, that didn't bother me. She is obviously pregnant so as we were walking in I wished her a Happy Mother's Day. She held up Mr.'s goods and said "You too, this is going to be your day!" She was really excited for us. It was sweet. 

So tomorrow will begin the longest 2 week wait ever! They want me to test in 2 weeks and we'll only confirm with a beta blood test if it's a positive. I was surprised they wouldn't do it either way, but honestly I could do without the $100 and 3 hours drive for the confirmation of a negative, so I'm cool with that. I hope this wait goes stress free for us and it ends with great news!

IUI is tomorrow!!

The day has finally come :)
I went for my second monitoring appointment today. Lining was still not great in my opinion (7.4). I keep taking the estrogen for that. My right side had three follicles: 2 at 19mm and a 14mm. My left side had a 21mm and a 14mm. I took a urine sample and waited for the nurse to call me. I went alone. Mr. DF was meeting with the landscaper (we got a way expensive quote so that won't be happening). Anyways....she called me back and told me that my urine tested positive for an LH surge and that I would be triggering today and IUI will be tomorrow! On Mother's Day!! She was really excited for me over that. She wanted to confirm with Dr. G. So I made the long drive home, awaiting the call.
I got super antsy and even called her once. Dr. G was in surgery all morning so I didn't get a call from one of the nurses until noon. She told me to trigger and all the small info. She also told me she was excited for me. Having complete strangers tell you that is nice! I love that office.
My sister, who weeks ago called dibs on being the one to give me the shot was already at my house, waiting! lol So we got the shot ready, which was nerve-wrecking. I was shaking so bad and had to have Mr. DF finish. Then my sister injected me. No pain, the solution just stung a little going in. We were all super excited after. I think my sister enjoyed it a little too much!
We go in the morning, Jason gives his sample and then we do the IUI about an hour later. Lets hope we get our Mother's Day miracle!

Yesterdays monitoring update

I should've update yesterday, but I was emotionally drained.
I realize now that the appointment actually went well, but I had in my head that we would trigger last night and when I was told that wouldn't happen, I threw an emotional fit. I am just so used to my body Oing early that it threw me for a loop.
So here's what happened. I was only on CD10 so this is actually great news (thank you to all my GP girls for bringing me back to sanity!). My body liked the Clomid. On the right side I have two follicles at 16mm and one at 14mm. On the left side I have one at 14mm and 3 under 10mm. They like to see 18mm follies in order to trigger. They grow 1-2mm a day so I should be ready on Saturday, which is when I go back for another ultrasound. Another $220 plus gas and a 3 hour drive. It'll all be worth it. I should have 3-4 mature follicles. That makes me nervous too. More mature follies means more potential babies. I am not going to stress about it until I have to though.
My lining was 6.7mm and they like it at 8mm so I'm hoping my estrogen will build that up. I'm also chuggin POM juice since that's been said to help lining.
So I will go back tomorrow morning to see where we stand. I am once again thinking I will trigger that night. This time I am hopeful I actually will. So maybe Monday for IUI?!

Clomid check!

I took my last Clomid pill last night. I start the estrogen today. Overall the Clomid side effects were not too bad. I had some hot flashes, sore boobs, and one major mood swing. I also cried a lot during the last few days, and at ridiculous things! Nothing I couldn't do again, but hopefully we won't have to worry about it!! I got Thursday to have my ultrasound to see how I responded. I am so nervous and excited. Lets hope the good news is finally going to continue!
On a side note, I have been using the Circle+Bloom IUI mediation program for a week now. I listen to about 15 minutes of guided meditation each night. It has helped a lot. It totally relaxes me and helps me fall asleep. A couple of times I have fallen asleep halfway into it and woke in a jolt, not sure where I was or what was going on! LOL Totally worth the money I spent for it! I feel so at peace and calm this cycle (for the most part or should I say calm for me). I'm sure it has a lot to do with the confidence in our RE and the fact that we are finally doing something.

Starting Clomid tomorrow!

Eeeekkkk it's finally happening. I am nervous and excited at the same time. I had my b/w and baseline u/s today. Everything looked good. My u/s tech said that my ovaries look beautiful and that they should produce lots of eggs. Yay! I start my Clomid tomorrow for 5 days (CD3-7), then on CD8 I start estrogen pills. I go back on May 6th (CD11) for my monitoring u/s to see how I respond. I will pick up my trigger shot then and get instructions for the rest. We should be doing IUI somewhere around Mother's Day. I am so excited!! I just hope I respond well. AAAAHHHH! :) :) :)

Edited: I just picked up my meds. I was too curious/excited to wait until tomorrow. My insurance covered better than I thought. I knew it wouldn't cover the Clomid, which was $25.99, it covered the Estradiol so I paid $7, but the shocker was the Prometrium, which I thought would be like $200, it covered so I only had to pay $25. So $57.99...That's not bad at all. I called my mom I was so excited. Haha!

Myth: All reproductive endocrinologists are the same.

Busted: From resolve.org: Every reproductive endocrinologist (RE) has his or her own style and it is important that you find one you are comfortable with. As you prepare to seek fertility assistance, take the time to think about what type of doctor relationship you want. You should also think about whether you prefer a male or female doctor. Many fertility centers host open houses so you can meet the doctors before scheduling a consultation.
Some REs also specialize in certain fertility treatments and procedures. Finding a doctor who is best able to meet your clinical needs is another important consideration. Most fertility clinic websites have bios for each doctor, including areas of particular expertise that you can check out.
Take the time to “do your homework” before choosing your doctor.  Forging a healthy relationship of trust and open communication with your fertility specialist is essential and will give you the best possible chance for success.
And one last note: after you have begun to see a fertility specialist, if you feel like he or she isn’t the right fit for you after all, change doctors! Ideally, it would be a specialist in the same practice so the transition will be smooth for you. You should not feel uncomfortable or worry that you will hurt other’s feelings. Your treatment team’s first concern is creating the best possible environment for you to have a baby.

Here's why this myth bothers me so much...I have seen two REs now. My second and current RE is amazing. When we had gone to see the inital RE, we were both excited to start with a specialist and took his words to be true. I knew in my gut that he was not our doctor, but just wanted something to work and so I denied it. He didn't see any concerns with my bloodwork (although my E2 levels were almost triple the normal range), mentioned I might have endometriosis (have never had any symptoms), and said it looked like I had PCOS (I have 28 day cycles in which I do ovulate, and no other symptoms). He sent me to do more bloodwork and scheduled the HSG. On the day of my HSG, after the procedure, I was told I didn't carry the rubella vaccine and that we needed to avoid pregnancy for 3 months after being vaccinated (turns out you only need to wait 4 weeks). This is when I realized he wasn't a right match for us. Why wait 3 weeks to tell me this? Why have me do an HSG if I couldn't try for 3 months after? This is when I had decided I wanted a second opinion. During that time I had asked that RE to return my call about my levels and it took him 5 weeks to return my call! 5 weeks is a lifetime when you are dealing with infertility.
We saw DR. G almost 2 months ago. He re-did all my bloodwork, ruled out PCOS, and told me he didn't see any reasons why I should think I have endometriosis. My E2 levels are the major concern. My body is producing too much estrogen, causing me to ovulate early. My first RE never spoke a word about this! Every time I see Dr. G I feel comfortable. He addressed every concern that I have always felt in my gut, without needing to be asked it.  He gave us a plan that we are comfortable with and I have no doubt that he will get us pregnant.
I will never forget the words my husband spoke as we left his office: "You were right, honey. This is the guy. We have found the right doctor."

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

 http://www.resolve.org/takecharge

AF has arrived!!

I started my period this morning. Never thought I would be announcing that so freely and making it a point of discussion! I am super excited. We are officially on our first IUI cycle. I left a message for my RE's nurse so I am just waiting for a call back. I can't wait. I feel like no matter what the outcome of this cycle is, we finally have a real shot, mainly due to the Clomid. I will keep you updated on the process!
Oh yeah, I also turned 31 yesterday. I had an amazing last 3 days, which really changed my view on turning another year older. Yes, I am not where I thought I would be at 31, but where I am is not that bad! I have a great life!

Myth: If you relax, you will get pregnant

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, April 24th-30th.


1 in 8 women and men are diagnosed with infertility. RESOLVE and the infertility community are busting myths and telling truths about the most popular public myths and misconceptions about the disease of infertility and the different ways people build their families.
I hope to bust a couple myths this week.


Myth #1


If you relax, you will get pregnant.


BUSTED: Mr. DF and I began trying to conceive our first child as soon as we got married, throwing out my birth control pills on our honeymoon. I like to think that I relaxed the first six months of trying. After 6 months, I started charting and really paying attention to when we should actively try. After my surgery, when we were allowed to try again (last August), I decided I was going to relax again and see what would happen. I tried to tell myself my body just wasn't ready to carry a child due to it needing the valve replacement. After a couple months of "relaxing", I became impatient again and sought help from an RE. We are now 8 months back at trying, with our second RE (a myth I will bust later this week). It hasn't happened.
Turns out the lack of relaxation isn't the reason for my infertility. My body produces too much estrogen, causing it to ovulate early, when my eggs have not matured enough to fertilize a healthy embryo. I will need fertility medication to get my body to do what it needs to do. No amount of relaxing will get my body to do this. 
From Resolve.org: "The fact is, the vast majority of individuals who have infertility have a medical reason, not a stress-related one. Upwards of 90% of all infertility cases are caused by physical problems."




http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
http://www.resolve.org/takecharge

Here we go again

Started spotting today. UGH! Now the countdown to my period is officially on. I am just so ready to get this IUI show on the road!
Nothing further really needs to be said.

Acupuncture was bizarre!!

I'm really not sure how I feel about it. I was really strange. I feel like she put needles everywhere! She put one on my head, my forehead, on each hand, leg and feet. I think maybe a few on my right foot. She put about 6 on my stomach and they F'N hurt! She said it was because they were connected to my uterus. 

To warm them she used this burning incense, which was really weird, stinky, and smoky. I laid there for about 15 minutes, wishing it would end. 

She wants me to come twice a freakin week! She says we need to stop the spotting and get rid of the stagnant blood or IUI won't be successful. I made an appointment for next week, but honestly, I don't know if I plan on keeping it.

Right now I'm just weirded out. I think it's a little too hippy for my and I'm feel (no joke) that I smell like I smoked a freaking joint. It totally smells like weed, not that I'm an expert, but I've smelled it so...it's very comparable.  And my left hand where the needle is, hurts. I couldn't even steer with it on the way home.

I just don't know what to think about it right now. 

Last of my blood tests came back

My RE's nurse called me this morning. It was so nice to hear form her after all my worrying yesterday.
All my remaining blood tests have come back. My Thyroid is normal, both of our STDs came back negative, and I officially carry the rubella and chickenpox immunity!! Yay! We are good to go!
I asked her about what I can expect next cycle and what I need to do. She basically told me, I don't need to do anything. They will tell me what to do. Not used to that one! I go for my CD2 or 3 b/w and u/s and then she will call me with results that afternoon. Then she will call in my Clomid Rx to my pharmacy. We also schedule a monitoring visit for around CD10/11. That's where we will take a look at my follicles and decide what to do. If everything is good to go, they will then give me the trigger shot. Then I come back for the IUI. She said they will go over everything with me CD2/3.
I also asked about my acupuncture appointment tomorrow. I had totally forgotten to ask. She was really happy to hear that I was going and said I could go anytime during my cycle, just to let the acupuncturist know where I am at in my cycle.
She told me to call with ANY questions. I am not used to this kind of care! LOL I am in good hands and I need to remember that and try to "relax"!

I have been a nervous freak all morning!

I just can't escape all the thoughts about next cycle. I am so anxious about our IUI. I was really nervous about knowing what to do, when, and how next cycle. I realized after checking out Dr. G's website, that I don't need to worry about it so much. They will keep me informed about when I need to do everything and they will to the what and how. I guess I'm just not used to being in the hands of a competent doctor. I'm used to having to figure out everything alone and having doctor's give me wrong information.
So I thought I'd post what an actual IUI procedure entails for those who we're wondering like I was. I got it directly from Dr. G's website so this should be exactly what we start in a couple weeks!

Step 1. Fertility drugs are administered to stimulate the growth of two to three eggs to maturity. Typically, Clomid® pills or gonadotropin injections are employed to nurture the growth of follicles, which cause ovulation to take place.

Step 2. Monitoring of the drug treatments is conducted to measure the growth of follicles and to control the drug doses based on the patient. Because fertility drugs can produce multiple eggs, monitoring is also needed to reduce the risk of multiple births. Blood tests, performed at our clinic offices are used to measure estrogen concentrations, and ultrasound is used to measure follicular development. Generally, the goal of an IUI treatment is to produce three to five mature follicles.

Step 3. When monitoring shows the maturity of at least two or three follicles, the patient receives an injection of the hormone hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin), also known as Ovidrel®, which will induce ovulation.

Step 4. Here, the actual artificial insemination (IUI) procedure is performed.  On the morning of ovulation, a sperm sample is provided by the male partner, prepared for the IUI, and injected later the same day. With a very fine catheter, the washed and concentrated sperm sample is inserted through the cervix, high into the uterus of the woman. Comparable to a Pap test, the IUI procedure is fairly painless and uncomplicated.

Step 5. After the IUI procedure, pregnancy testing and early ultrasound monitoring are conducted at appropriate intervals.

SHG today and our plan

We had to wait FOREVER today, but here it is:
SHG went great. It was over so quick and I hardly felt any discomfort. According to Dr. G, my uterus is perfect! He even told Mr. DF that his wife has a beautiful uterus. LOL. So no reasons as to why I spot. He says I'm just a spotter. I asked what was next and his response was whatever you want to be next. Love him. So we went into his office and went over the plan.
He is concerned with my high estrogen levels. My body isn't quite working the way it should at my age. He's going to recheck my TSH & T4 thyroid levels, which we did to make sure they are ok. My CD3 ultrasound (u/s) showed some follicles, but not as many as he would like to see. Hormones should help with both of these issues. It will thin out my lining a little, which is too thick due to the estrogen.
If this last natural cycle is a bust, we will move onto IUI next month! We will start with CD3 blood work (b/w) and another u/s. Then I will take an ovulation hormone called Clomid to push those follies into creating beautiful eggs. Assuming I respond according to plan, when I see a + ovulation kit, I will need to give myself an Hcg trigger shot, which makes sure that my eggs are released. Then a day or two after we will do the IUI. I will also have an u/s that day to make sure the egg is releasing. If not, I go back a day later and do another IUI. I will take progesterone supplements after during THE WAIT :)
Assuming it doesn't work, we will try 3 cycles with this protocol, then move onto 3 cycles with added injectable hormones, and then IVF.
I hope I explained that all right. I'm overwhelmed with excitement right now. I am just so excited to move forward with a plan. It's is obviously not working the good ol' way so I'm ready to do this in full force! Wish us luck :) I completely forgot to ask him about acupuncture so I will call them on Monday and make sure it's ok.
I won't have to check my progesterone again this cycle so I don't have to worry about knowing my exact ovulation date. Dr. G is confident that I'm ovulating, and in reality the results wouldn't change the plan.
Now it's off to Vegas with the girls. I am going to try to "relax" the rest of this cycle and just see what happens. I will still check my fertility monitor and use ovulation predictor kits, but the thermometer is on vacation!

"I'll find strength in pain"

I keep singing that line of a Mumford and Sons song over and over today. I'm not in a particularly bad mood today, just anxious I guess. I'm wishing Friday would come quicker. I want to go do my SHG and speak with my doctor. I want to know what our plan will be for next month. I'm sad that I'm already thinking of next month when I am only on day 6 of this cycle.
I set up an appointment for acupuncture next week. I will speak with Dr. G and make sure he recommends it and that the day it falls on is an ok day to go, but I am looking forward to it.
One day all this sadness, all the tears, all the doctor's appointments, and all the money spent will be worth it and I will only cherish all of it as a memory of something that has given me strength. Today though I just sit and wonder when?
I know most of this is due to my upcoming birthday. You would have thought 30 last year would have been worse. I had already come to terms with not being pregnant by 30 a couple months prior when I found out about my surgery. I turned 30 thinking it would be my last birthday without a child, at least my last birthday without a pregnant belly. Now it seems I will be saying the same thing about 31.
One day it will happen, I hope. In the meantime "I'll find strength in pain".

CD3 blood work and ultrasound done

Good news. Everything looks normal and good. Bad news, nothing exciting is going to happen this month. My ultrasound looked good; the technician said everything looked exactly like it should at this point. My blood work levels were: FSH 6.4, LH 7, and E2 (estrogen) was 94. Estrogen was way better than last time, but still on the higher side. Dr. G is not concerned though so I guess I shouldn't be either! They did also check my rubella/chickenpox immunity. They have to send that one out so I don't know the results yet. I just received the MMR vaccine as everyone knows so I should be fine. I'm still worried though...
Now I go for the SHG on Friday, where Dr. G will be the one to do it. Good, because I plan on bombarding him with questions! I want to know what we're going to do next cycle. I don't want to wait around anymore. They're also making me take another progesterone test after I ovulate. Lame. I just hope they do something exciting next cycle. This is getting old. I know this cycle will just be a waste. No miracles will happen for us. They haven't yet. I will turn 31 not pregnant.

Hello Aunt Flo

My period is here. We are offcially on our 17th cycle of trying. I have an appointment for first thing Sunday morning for my CD3 bloodwork and my ultrasound. Then next Friday I go for my SHG. It sucks to have another period, but I knew it was coming a week ago when I started spotting. I am just glad that it's here so we can move on. Hopefully I will get some answers soon. And by soon, I mean next week!

Heart Update!

I met with my cardiologist yesterday for my one year check up. Everything looked great, my echo was almost identical to last time. I am having some skipping in my heartbeats so they want to have me use a heart monitor for 24 hours to make sure it's nothing. It's probably related to stress (go figure!). Worst case scenario, I'd be put on beta blockers to slow down my heart. I really hope I don't have to do that, but we will see.
I also asked him about what he thought if I were to carry twins. Just in case we do IVF I thought I'd ask. He says twins would be fine, and he doesn't see a problem with me carrying them. He said to keep it at two though. He asked I not be the next Octomom! lol  So now I go back to see him when I get pregnant or in a year. I told him that he better be seeing me sooner than a year!
Now I'm just waiting for my period to come so I can get all my tests started. My body is teasing me by not spotting, but my temperature was down today so I know it's coming. I found out the bloodwork, ultrasound, and SHG test are going to cost us about $1,000. I thought it might be more so I guess it's a relief, although still a lot. I would like my future baby to know that he/she is already quite spoiled and costing mommy and daddy a fortune :) He/she will be completely worth every penny and then some.

Back in town w/ a small update

I had a great time at my Dad's. It was way too short though. I wish we could have had one more day. As soon as we arrived there, I ran over to the medical center and had my blood drawn to check my progesterone levels. Two days later I got my results. My level was 11.6, which is good and means I ovulated. Doctors like to see above a 10. I'm glad, don't get me wrong, but I was almost hoping they'd be low so I could get some answers as to why I'm spotting. That has continued since my last post, so I am just waiting for my period to come. Then I'll schedule the CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound and the SHG. Yay. I'm obviously going to go through with everything, but I am emotionally worn out. I want to give up. I am just tired of the emotional roller coaster. Hopefully when my period shows up and we have appointments scheduled, I'll feel more gung-ho about it. I hate knowing that this cycle is over, being reminded every single time I go to the bathroom, and still having a few more days until my period gets here. It's really getting old!

The spotting has returned :(

I am lightly spotting today. At 6DPO :( My body was beginning to look very normal when we couldn't try. Now it's back to the same crap. I feel really sad, mad, defeated. I feel like I did everything I could. Drank pomegranate juice every.single.day. Took my prenatals and fish oil, ate walnuts, ate pineapple core. Even Mr. DF took his vitamins! Plus we had great timing. I know it's early and there is still hope, but I've played this game 15 times and have always come out the loser.
I'm leaving for my dads tonight. Thank God. I need a break from this town and hopefully it will take my mind off all this.

Surgery was one year ago today!

I can't believe it has been one year. Unreal how fast time flies. I got pretty emotional as I tried to go to sleep last night. All of the sudden tears were just streaming down my face. I just remember how scared I was that night before and morning of. I know my entire family was as well. I remember looking into their eyes when we were saying our good byes and I love yous and seeing the fear that I was feeling. That maybe, I wouldn't make it. I had 100% confidence in my surgeon and his medical team, but you can't control when your time comes.
Last night I thought about my family and friends sitting in the waiting room for over four hours. That must have sucked! ;) The feeling I had when I woke up was the most amazing feeling of relief, it's truly indescribable. I remember seeing all the blurry faces of my family and friends coming in to see me. My little brother started crying because all of the tubes in my mouth freaked him out.
I also remember signing the word "mom" because the hurdle was over and we could now get back to starting a family. Obviously the fact that  this hasn't happened yet makes me sad, but it is what it is.
One last thing I remember was the pain. I remember the Vicodin, Morphine, and Dilaudid that did almost nothing for me. And I remember Mr. DF complaining about how uncomfortable he was sleeping in a make-shift bed, made out of chairs. Proof that women are stronger than men!
Thanks to all who were there for me that day and who have been there for me since.

Man, 4 posts in one week?

I saw this on another blog and had to share. I love it and it's so true.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

 

"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,

but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother."

~Author Unknown

I am finally feeling happy

Man, finding this doctor has already changed my outlook. I was laughing last night like I used to. Yesterday was a really good day. I found out my TSH (thyroid) levels are in fact in the normal range. So right now the only thing I'm concerned with is the estrogen, which I keep telling myself was drawn the month after I took unnecessary estrogen supplements....also he was concerned about my early ovulation days (CD11), but today is CD14 and I think I should ovulate today. Totally normal.
I know that if we're not pregnant this cycle, I will still be bummed and probably cry, but at least we will be moving forward. I finally feel like I have a smile on my face that isn't fake :)

Appointment Update

I love our new doctor already!! We have finally found him :) Here are the highlights:

He confirmed that our old doc was a dummy; not only by disagreeing with what he thought, but also because he's familiar with him. Lesson learned: Trust your intuition!
He's concerened about my thyroid and estrogen levels. If they are right it could mean diminshed ovarian reserve (basically poor egg quality and quantity). This scares me. We don't have $15,000 for IVF :( He is retesting all my blood work on cycle day 3 of next month. Lets hope I magically get knocked up this month huh? I'm trying not to stress until I get the results, but who are we kidding?
My spotting also concerned him a little. Finally someone who's addressing my biggest concern! We will test progesterone to confirm that I am ovulating a week after I ovulate; which should be tomorrow. That puts me in Oregon for the draw. Ugh something to stress over. Haha Next cycle we will also do an HSS test. It's basically where they put water into my uterus and take 2D and 3D pictures. It's much more clear and hopefully will show anything that may cause spotting. Please no cysts!
After all that we will come up with a plan. Dr. G told me that he will get us pregnant. He has never not gotten someone my age pregnant.
I was up all night thinking about what ifs....I'm nervous, but I feel like we are finally getting somewhere.

Happy Anniversary to us!

Two years!!! I can't believe it. Year two has been kind of a rough one on us, so I'm hoping year 3 brings us lots of good stuff :)
Our weekend away was amazing. It went by way to fast though, I suppose vacations always do that. Our suite was awesome! I was so excited. I actually counted the windows and we had 13 windows in our suite. I felt rich, haha. We ate SO much and just relaxed. I did realize that I have a hard time relaxing. My shoulders are always so tense and I feel like I am always waiting for something bad to happen. I hate that. I need to figure out how to change that. I feel like the last year has done that too me. Somethings gotta give!
We meet with the new doctor tomorrow. I'm starting to get really nervous. I just want some good news finally. And by good news, I mean facts or a plan. I want to know what is going on with my body and what the heck we're going to do about it. I'm sick of doctors just giving me the run around and not caring about my feelings and what I'm going through. I'm nervous to find another doctor that I'm not happy with. I don't know how much more I can take when it comes to that. So think of us at 1:00 tomorrow :) We need all the positive vibes we can get!

Taking a break from reality

We are going to spend all weekend at the place where we got married. I am so ready to get out of here and try to forget about everything. This has been a hard week. One of the few friends who know about our infertility issues announced their pregnancy this week.....on Facebook. It really was a punch in the stomach to find that out online instead of from her. I'm still mad about it to be thruthful. I'm also jealous. I want to make an announcement. Next week will mark the 2 year anniversary of when we threw the birth control out the window. ::sigh::

Gotta love the promptness

My old RE called me back yesterday....only 5 weeks after I left the last message! Can you freakin believe it? Unbelievable. I was in complete shock. I didn't even tell him I wouldn't returning. Maybe I'll let him know in 5 weeks....or NEVER! He'll probably get the point if my new RE requests records. :)
So on top of that here are some more reasons I am glad we are moving on: I had asked about the 7DPO (days past ovulation) test to check my progesterone levels; so we could see if I was actually ovulating strong eggs. He tells me we can go ahead and test that now. My reply "I'm 13DPO, spotting, and my period will be here any second". That's ok we can still do it. Ummm no! I will not He told me that my spotting was most likely endometriosis. I then told him how much better it had been the last 2 cycles (1st one didn't start til 10DPO and this one 13DPO). He totally ignored that I said it and told me to schedule the postcoital test when I get my period. It's to be done at CD (cycle day)13....This test tests my cervical mucus to make sure it's not hostile to my husband's sperm. Here's the thing, it needs to be done before I ovulate to ensure I have fertile mucus. I have been ovulating around CD11 the last several cycles....CD13 would be too late!!! He is just not the right doctor for me. It is obvious my body is not the textbook body so he needs to stop treating me like it!!! Good bye and good riddance!!!

Hello March!

I am so excited that March is here. Today marks the beginning of my favorite two months! I have so much to look forward to this month and next....and May actually!

Plans for March:
Celebrate our wedding anniversary (3/14). We will be going to the Mission Inn where we got married. We also spent our last anniversary there and plan to spend every anniversary there (as possible). We've already reserved the room, but now they released some package deals so we're deciding which option would be the best :) I just made the reservations for Sunday Champagne Brunch there too. One of the best brunches I have ever been too.
Then we meet with the new RE a day after our anniversary. I'm hoping the Ides of March bring us some luck with this guy.
I also celebrate the one year anniversary of my heart surgery on 3/22!! I will have my check up this month too (3/30). I can't believe it's been a year!
On the 23rd, we will be driving up to my dad's for 4ish days! We'll be driving during the night so we don't waste a day. The Mr. is thrilled about that, but I've already offered to drive while he sleep so there! I can't wait to see them. We haven't seen them since August since they couldn't come down for Christmas this year. I think that's the longest we've ever gone so I am anxious to see them.
I also have a dentist appointment this month. I guess it can't all be fun and games, huh??
Then in April it's my birthday and May brings Maui! This is the beginning of positive things!!

Back to Trying!

It's been one month since the vaccine-two months of not trying, and it's officially over :) We won't actually be trying until March because of where I am in my cycle, but it feels good to have that bump in the road past us. Hopefully nothing else comes in the way of us trying to getting pregnant. We've got one cycle to have a 2011 baby! I'm trying not to put too much pressure on ourselves, but we want this soooo badly.

I am an emotional mess :(

Yesterday I received a bill from the lab for the x-ray I had done. $795. Plus I will be receiving one from the doctor for $250. $1,045 for an x-ray I was quoted would be $500. I was livid. I was crying so hard over it last night. I just wish this wasn't so hard and stressful. I called the lab and they did offer me a little bit of a discount since I paid in full. So the xray will cost me $806 :( I am so mad at that doctor for quoting me the wrong price, but it's over and we will not be returning to him so whatever! Of course, my postive husband just says "honey, it's only money". Yes, but it's a lot and it's not like we're loaded! I appreciate that he tries not to let me get so upset about the little things. It just worries me because it's just the beginning. We are going to have to shell out a lot more to get our baby. Sometimes I wonder if we will end up just having one. One would be enough, but I've always wanted two. I guess I shouldn't get ahead of myself.
On a brighter note, tomorrow marks a month since the vaccine so we will be trying again! The Mr. is out of town until Sunday and I'm at the end of my cycle anyways, but it'll feel good just to know that we are back to trying.

One month til we meet our new RE

Yes, that's right, one month. I moved up the appointment. I don't want to wait til April. I am too impatient. Plus, assuming they want to do testing, that may put everything in May when we are gone so I would just rather start earlier and get this show on the road. I'm trying to regain my optimism that this will be our year and we will get knocked up soon. I just hope this doctor is the one. I want to walk out of the office feeling confident and comfortable. I didn't feel that way with the last guy, as much as I pretended I did.
Poor Mr. Deutschefairy. He finally stepped it up and tried to be romantic. It didn't turn out so well. Not only did he make dinner reservations on Saturday night that had to be cancelled because I was out of town (he knew this days before lol) but yesterday he ordered a flower bouquet to be delivered to my work. It didn't show up. He had to run over to the florist to pick them up and walked in with them at 6:30. He tried and I love him for it. I could kick his butt for paying a ridiculous amount for flowers from a florist on Valentine's Day though! Gotta love the guy :)

We have a new plan.

Well after 3 unreturned letters/messages from my RE, I've decided to get a second opinion. I really never got a first opinion so really we're just starting over. We have an appointment with someone here in town for 4/12. It seems far, but we can't try this cycle and that will give us one cycle to try on our own after the HSG I had done. You never know right? Hopefully I'll get to cancel.
We have to pay everything out of pocket with this office, starting with the $260 consultation. I guess we were hesitant to admit that we would need to fork out some cash to get pregnant. In reality, it may not cost us that much more here considering he's in town. We shall see. I really hope I finally meet a doctor where I go "yes, this is the person I trust." I've only done that once, and they opened my chest up last year! The woman I spoke to was extremely nice, she had my sisters name. Then they had me e-mail my insurance info over, just in case, to a D. C****. Same first initial and last name as my father-in-law. I feel like it's a sign. I hope it's a sign. So that is the new plan. I feel like all I do is get rid of doctors, but my health needs to come first and I need to be the advocate for that. We  don't have forever, especially if we want that football team!
Off to go shopping with the girls. I'm trying not to buy anything. Maybe just a bikini for Maui ;)

One year ago today...

I found out I had to have my surgery. I feel like that date will stick in my brain forever. It's kind of bittersweet. I think wow, I've come a long way, but then I also remember how I sat there crying about how we would have to wait to have a baby. I remember telling myself that a year from then, I would be pregnant and none of it would matter. Here we are a year later, not pregnant, and not even able to try. I also think about all the friendships I lost. Well not really lost, I suppose they were never true friendships to begin with. It is just crazy how much a year can change your life. It's crazy how a year can bring no change at all.
It's now two weeks into my four week wait from the vaccine. I have not called my RE again. I am chicken and I also don't care. I think I may need a second opinion. He obviously doesn't care enough to even address my concerns with the whole waiting issue and hasn't given me any answers as to my body and irregular periods. My gut says go somewhere else. There's a place here in town that charges $250 for the consultation. Every single procedure will be out of pocket. But will it be worth it if they listen to me? If they figure out my problem? If they get me pregnant? YES! I just need to get over the thought of starting all over. And I need to convince my husband. I know he'll go along with anything I say (gotta love him), but he's hesitant to spend the money. I think he trusts anything a doctor will tell him and is on board with the RE we have now. But it's not his body. It's not his eggs dying off every month. We cannot wait forever. Especially if we still want 2 or 3 children.
On a fantastic note, we booked our trip to Maui. Maybe we shouldn't be spending the money on this, maybe we should be spending it on a new doctor and infertility treatments. Maybe, but after the year and a half we've had, we not only deserve this, but we need it. I got an amazing deal so our tax return will pay for the flight and room. It's something we have to do. Also, I need something concrete to look forward to.

Who am I?

Now that we're back to not trying, I feel like part of my identity is gone. Man, I was so obsessed with trying to get pregnant, well maybe still am. I feel like that was all I thought about. In this time off, I need to get back to the old me. The person who enjoyed life and was happy. I need to remember that I still have a great life, with a great husband and family. We're trying to plan a trip to Hawaii for the end of May and of course my first thought was "oh that might interfere with our IUI date". I need to let go of that! So hopefully (it depends a lot on our tax return) we will be going to Hawaii at the end of May!! I am excited to be able to look forward to something. We also have our 2 year anniversary coming up which we will spend at the place we got married! And my birthday! I have quite a bit to look forward to so I'm hoping I can just enjoy those moments. I know that getting pregnant will always be at the back of my mind, but as long as it doesn't overshadow everything else, I will be okay. This will all happen when it's meant to happen, in the meantime I need to have fun and enjoy those pre-baby moments that we will never get back!

I am vaccinated!

Shot was easy-breezy, although I am feeling pretty nauseaous at the moment, and my arm is throbbing a bit. Wonder if that's just a side-effect? Anyways this doc said 4 weeks of waiting after made him a little nervous, he'd feel better about 6. I don't think he knew at all though. The CDC and American Pregnancy Association both say 4 weeks. I have sent this to info to Dr. A to see what he thinks. If he is unwilling to move up our IUI from May, Mr. deutschefairy and I have discussed that we will try on our own in March and April. So I just need to get through February :) March will be our anniversary and April is my birthday. The thought of maybe conceiving in one of those months has me excited and looking forward to the future. I know our chances are slim, but a girl can dream right?

Second blood work results

They came back the same :( I will get the vaccine on Friday. We will go from there on how long we have to avoid getting pregnant. My RE (Dr. A) says 3 months, but all the research I've done only says 4 weeks. I left a message for Dr. A on his thoughts and will ask the doc that gives me shot as well. I knew the results would come back the same, but right now it hurts all over again.

What I learned this weekend

-I am a sore loser. I cried like a baby after my Bears lost and wanted to crawl under a rock. When the heck did I become such a football fan?
-Even when my husband is out of town and we have the bed to ourselves, the dogs and I still sleep on the edge of my side.
-Holding a baby wasn't as sad as I thought it would be, but seeing her in her daddys arms, knowing I couldn't give that to my husband just yet, broke my heart.

I'm still anxiously awaiting the blood results, praying for a miracle. I hope it was just wrong. I'm trying to tell myself that since I have 1% chance of this being true, I have 99% chance that the first results were an error. Right?! If not, I do have the appointment set up to get the vaccine on Friday.

HSG: Good news and bad news

Well it's over. It sucked. It hurt. But it wasn't the worst thing I went though (today and in general).

My blood work came back normal on the hormone levels. That means the PCOS the doctor had suspected has been ruled that out. Yay! The HSG was pretty dang uncomfortable. Anyone who says it's a piece of cake, is a liar! My situation was a little tricky though so it's mainly because of that. The catheter was uncomfortable and the cramping was a little painful, but totally bearable. However, my uterus is SO tilted that the dye just came squirting back out and wouldn't go into the tubes. He tried a few times with no luck so he had to change to a balloon catheter and try again. That worked but hurt like crazy! I even cried out in pain once. Hubby got to go in there with a radiation suit so he immediately grabbed my hand. The rest was more pain, but it got the job done. My tubes are completely clear!! They are unusually long though, but he said that shouldn't matter. My uterus looks good, but he did say its a tiny one. 

Onto the BAD news....I have no immunity to the rubella virus (German measles) in my blood. Ironic considering I was born in Germany and had the measles there when I was younger. 99% of people who have it or get the immunization carry the lifetime immunity. So once again, I am fvcking special. I am the 1% exception. I've had the virus and I still don't carry it in my blood. WTH?! We are running a 2nd blood test to confirm, but I'm sure it will come back the same. I will need to get the vaccine, which means we cannot try to get pregnant for 3 months after. I'm hoping to get it done next week as long as the blood work to confirm comes back that fast. If I were to ignore this and I caught the measles during my pregnancy, our LO could be born deaf, among other disabilities. Chances of that happening aren't super high, but knowing this is obviously not a risk we are willing to take. We both work with children, who could have the virus, so it's just not something we can leave up to chance. 

I am trying to remember all the positives, but right now I am devastated. I have been through so much this last year including an unwanted 6 months of  not being able to try and now I have to do 3 more. Just when I thought we had a plan. All I want to do right now is cry. It's not fair. I'm trying to just focus on our new plan, which is figure out my ovulation (considering we still don't have an answer to the spotting), go back in April to make sure my blood work is normal (immunity-wise), and then do IUI (insemination) in May. 

So far 2011 sucks as well :(

This was a great weekend

I feel like I haven't been able to say that in a while...
Had a fantastic spa day with my sisters and girlfriend on Saturday. It was a much needed day of relaxing.
The Bears beat the Seahawks!!! Now we need to beat the Packers and then MY team will be in the Superbowl!
Hubby's team also won!!! Makes me happy because I like the Jets and I hate the Patriots.
Wouldn't it be awesome if our teams played in the Superbowl against eachother?
I hardly thought about the things I don't have so it was a great weekend!!
Two more days til my test. I am getting anxious!

It's time to start this blog!

Well after throwing a complete fit last night after someone stole a package from my doorstep, I figured it's best I start writing. It wasn't about the package, it was about everything else....I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me introduce myself. I was going to keep this totally confidential, but anyone who knows me would need about 2 seconds to figure out that this is my blog. So I am deutschefairy ;), a 30 year old woman, married to the football coach of her dreams, on a quest to become a mother.
A little background on why I chose the name. A lot of this blog will revolve around that so I need to explain. I have a strong love for football, sometimes I think just because I need to, but I do enjoy it....My husband coaches high school football so for about 7-8 months out of the year, we eat, sleep, breathe football! But mostly, I chose the name to symbolize me.
When I was born, I was diagnosed with a congenital heart defect known as Tetralogy of Fallot. TOF involves four heart defects: a large ventricular septal defect (VSD), pulmonary stenosis, right ventricular hypertrophy, and an overriding aorta. Woah right? So to keep it short, I had a shunt put in when I was 4 to pro-long needing the total repair (and a lovely scar from my back to my side) and then had the repair when I was 8 (and another lovely scar from the top of my chest to above my belly button).
Jump ahead to 2006 when I started dating one of my best friends. We were married in 2009 and started trying to conceive (TTC) right after. We literally threw the birth control out on our honeymoon. We had been trying for 9 months before I went to my OB with concerns. I won't get into any of that because that doc was a moron.
Two months later, my husband and I received the biggest shock. I went to my cardiologist check up and found out my pulmonary valve was leaking much more than it should be and my RVH had gotten worse. The right side of my heart had grown 3 times in size in 3 years. I needed to have pulmonary valve replacement soon and before we continued TTC or my child would not survive in the womb, and chances that I would survive pregnancy were not high. Talk about a shocker! Eight days after our first wedding anniversary, I had the surgery and became the owner of a brand new beautiful scar :)
While the pain of surgery was horrible and the recovery was a long, painful road, the emotional and mental let down of not being able to TTC was the hardest part. Having to take the 6 months off from trying was the most painful thing I've had to experience. All I have wanted since I met my husband was to become a mother. I was able to get through it with the help of my husband, my awesome family, a few close friends, and a board full of "strangers" (some of my closest friends).
So now here we are, almost 10 months after surgery, almost 21 months since we started to TTC, and on our 16th cycle of actually being able to try. We are still not pregnant.
On 12/29/10, we met with a specialist (an RE). We are finally on our way to becoming parents. 2010 may have been the worst year of our lives, but 2011 WILL be the best. We will become pregnant this year. I have faith in our doctor and I believe it will happen. I start with my HSG next week and I will enjoy the ride...